A Rooster to Please All

It might be raining and there might be road construction outside my apartment that places the imagination in Baghdad or perhaps Kabul (Was that a roadside bomb I just heard?), but nothing, not even an unrelenting jackhammer, can dampen my enthusiasm about Harlem's current resurgence. There are too many exciting new developments to cover in even a week's worth of posts. But let's give it a shot and start with Marcus Samuelsson's new venture: Red Rooster, in construction as we speak on Lennox between 125th and 126th. My first (two) question(s) is: What the hell are Helga's meatballs, and what's she doing peddling them in Central Harlem?

Red Rooster is being constructed next door to Chez Lucienne, a well-received French bistro operated by Daniel Boulud acolytes Jerome Bougherdani and chef Thomas Obaton. (Lucienne moved into space previously occupied by Slice of Harlem.) Fraud's had a hard time wrapping his arms and head around the Red Rooster concept. When discussing it, Samuelsson is ever-effusive and charismatic but vague and, well, a bit unfocused. He looks forward to introducing "Harlem through food" with "farm-to-table fresh food" and "fried chicken and collared greens" and "Southern meets Northern-style dishes" with some Jewish- and Italian-American ones thrown in for good measure and, oh yeah, there'll be a speakeasy in the basement too. Oh, and a storefront bakery and grocery... And live music!

Red Rooster was the name of an erstwhile speakeasy in Harlem (occasioned, apparently, by none other than Adam Clayton Powell) located around 137th and Lennox. Notwithstanding Sameulsson's frequent protestations of fidelity to Harlem's legacy, methinks the 140-seat dining space will be of a slightly different flavor than any neighborhood predecessors, even if the china is local and reminiscent of a bygone era.

Fraud recently bumped into Samuelsson at a bar. The Top Chef appeared sullen and preoccupied, in stark contrast to the media images of the happy-go-lucky chef with a perpetually beaming ear-to-ear mega-smile. Maybe that's to be expected when the concept of your reportedly $2 million restaurant concept is strangely amorphous and the build-out is not only behind schedule but, by the looks of it (see below), light years away from the latest announced October opening date. I probably wouldn't be able to finish my beer either.

(Fraud wonders if Samuelsson made a strategic mistake locating the restaurant on Lennox rather than FDB below 125th, the avenue quickly becoming New Harlem's restaurant/bar row. Then again, the section of Lennox Red Rooster will occupy harbors, like the aforementioned stretch of FDB, several new residential developments that can serve as feeders. Plus, its proximity to Sylvia's and Lennox Lounge connects it to the psyche of Old Harlem in a way that none of the new spots on FDB do. Further, Samuelsson is a bonafide celebrity, not just an irascible Tweeting sensation like Ryan Skeen, formerly of 5 & Diamond--in fact, Skeen's middle name is actually Formerlyof... With celebrity comes freedom. Freedom from needing to dickride on FDB's considerable foot traffic and critical mass of dining establishments. At the outset Red Rooster will become a destination place for adventurous downtowners scouting the next wilderness, not just a charming neighborhood haunt for Harlemites. On the other hand, it's hard to envision Lennox taking on the downtown trajectory of FDB. It's easy to project the latter's long-term viability. But Lennox, unlike FDB, is just too damn wide to assume the cozy charm reminiscent of downtown's hoods and Columbia's not next door. Once the newness wears off, what's Red Rooster and Lennox to do? It's a close question.)

Well, here's Fraud wishing the admirably ambitious Samuelsson the best of luck. The bastard's gonna need it. My dude.




Red Rooster
310 Lennox Avenue bet. 125th/126th Sts.

Chez Lucienne
308 Lennox Avenue
212.289.5555

How Do You Say Beer in German?

It's spelled B-I-E-R and it sounds like beer. So ultimately you say beer in German the same way you say it in English, you just spell it differently (always remember: i before e). Harlem's first "White Boy Bar," for lack of a better and more ignorant term, is set to open soon, I'm told. How soon? Well, according to the official Bier International website, "any day now." Considering this bad boy was originally slated to open in time for the World Cup and since the 2010 Cup has since been decided ("Viva la Espana!"), "any day now" apparently means sometime between today and 2014. So thirsty residents of South Harlem, don't hold your breath.

BTW, in the history of bier gardens in South Harlem, has there ever been a more egregious missed opportunity than Bier International's inability to open in time for the Cup? (Assuming management was in fact aiming for the 2010 competition and not engaged in gentrification's equivalent to blue balls.) All that free marketing and eager, anxious clientele just waiting for a taste... It's a damn shame. But any day now it should open...

***NOTE: Fraud has been assured by Bier International's salt and pepper management team (Chris and Ousmane) that it is neither German beer garden (despite its name) nor "White Boy Bar," but a casual yet sophisticated space where all the multi-hued residents of Harlem can sample an assortment of international beers from Germany, France, Kenya, Belgium, and even Harlem. Imagine this print ad concept: Bennetton meets Bud Light. When it opens, it should do big business. It promises to be the only non-bourgie/sexy drinking spot south of 125th.

*** ***EXTRA NOTE: Below are some fancy renderings of the spot. However, I'm told not to expect outdoor seating until next season i.e. 2018. Fraud can attest that, according to the fancy renderings and his regular, thirsty pacing up and down Frederick Douglass this summer, the space is almost ready.

Um, this is Awkward...

Oh, hey... How're you? Wow. It's been... Yeah. So good to see you. I've been wondering how you were doing. You look good. Uh, your hair's different, right?... Yeah, thought so. See, I do notice those things... That was a joke... Look, I'm not trying to start an argument. It really is good to see you. Really good actually. It's just been a little bit... Yes, April... Yes, five months... My bearings kind of, well, fell off and spiraled down Frederick Douglass with the tumbleweed and some potato chip wrappers... But I'm fully equipped again... No, it wasn't you. It's me. It was me. Or him. You know, my dude. But I'm back... For how long? I don't know. Until I get bored or busy again... Yeah, it was always about me. Still is. You know you like it.... So... Geez, where should I start?

Occasional Posts #5: Unmolested BBQ

If this isn't irrefutable photo evidence of Harlem's radical transformation, I don't know what is... As I stalked Adam Clayton last night looking for a cold beer and a TV to watch the game, I came across this untended barbecue around 131st. Its deliciousness, evidenced by its delicious barbecue aromas, remained unmolested. Yep. In fact, neighborhood pedestrians just walked on by, scoffing at the spread's noticeable lack of arugula and hummus. Damn. Harlem really is going through some changes.

Mojo at Dusk = Mo' Sexy

Figured I'd snap a pic of Mojo's dusky sexiness--for the readers, of course. When it's lovely outside, like it was today, management opens up the floor-to-ceiling windows (like "Lift your little dress like light wind/(Ha!) Then I slide right in...")... Bartender was straight eye-f*%@ing The Kid so tough she almost got impregnated. But that's the risk you take by commingling Fraud's sexy with Mojo's at dusk. Just is.

Hov, so prescient: "I sink this ball in your hole/I'm Tiger Woods!"

Allah Brings 'Em Out in Harlem (NEW VIDEO VIDEO!!!)

If you ever find yourself stumbling around Harlem on a Friday afternoon with nothing to do, drop by the Masjid Haqsad mosque on Frederick Douglass between 116th and 115th for Friday prayers. It's a sight to behold. Dozens of devotees, quietly kneeling or sitting on rugs placed on the sidewalk, listen intently to some authoritative voice coming from a speakerbox telling them, no doubt, that a swarm of comely virgins await them in the afterlife. Nothing to place you in a state of luxurious serenity than daydreams of busting open hymens. No need to worry godless Harlemites and fervent disciples of ignorance and/or religious intolerance, these Muslims might worship Allah but are down like four flat for Uncle Sam too. 'Dem boys that is. In my humble, the neighborhood could use more "snitches" like those at Masjid Haqsad.

Occasional Posts #4: A "Magical" Night in Harlem

Dinner and a movie? Okay... Dinner at Applebee's, not just for the kitsch but, you know, for some Monte Cristo sandwiches washed down with some popcorn shrimp and a couple strawberry daiquiris. Afterwards, take that doe (doe as in kangaroo, son) to the Magic Johnson theatre, throw some more shrimps in her, maybe some traditional popcorn, all while enjoying Brooklyn's Finest starring tax-dodging, Asian-women-loving Nino Brown. (But make sure to avoid the bathrooms.) Ladies, after those two stops, the last item on your man's itinerary is your impregnation. Yes, that's right ladies, if date night is brought to you courtesy of Magic Johnson Enterprises, you might as well resign yourself to conceiving that same night. Showtime!


Applebee's (Harlem)
One W 125th @ the NW corner of 5th Avenue
646.783.6400

Magic Johnson AMC Theatre
300 W 125th bet. St. Nicholas and Frederick Douglass Avenues
212.665.8733